Excerpts from Sermon on Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a decision not an emotion or feeling.
Forgiveness is not earned.
Forgiveness does not excuse or ignore the offence
Forgiveness is grace and mercy.
Forgiveness is not conditional.
Forgiveness is not forgetting but rather facing the past.
Forgiveness is not probationary.
Forgiveness is permanent.
Forgiveness says “I won’t bring this up again in a manner that seeks to hurt you”.
Forgiveness says “I will not rehearse the offence in my mind”
Forgiveness says “I will choose to focus on the future not on the past”.
Forgiveness seeks to restore.
Forgiveness initiates reconciliation but does not guarantee it.

Colossians 3:15 Let the peace that comes from Christ rule.

Mercy

My family and I have started going to church. I grew up going to church and most of my high school friends were from the local youth group so it was a very big part of my life. As my kids grew older I knew that I needed to introduce them to church and the community that comes with it. When I went looking for a church here in Freddy I knew I wanted one with a great kids program and youth program so that my kids would not only learn about God but also have fun while doing it. A neighbour told us about Crosspoint Wesleyan around Easter of this year and we have been going ever since. Not only has it been great for the kids but the Pastor seems to always talk about issues that are very relevant to our life. He challenges many of the stereotypes that have made me shy away from the organized religion for many years. This week the scripture that he read from was the story of the good Samaritan. Everyone has probably heard that story but he really made me look at it from a new perspective. He suggested that the opposite of Greed is not Generosity but Mercy. Would Greed exist in the presence of Mercy? I have never considered myself greedy - that is such an ugly word. But after this Sunday I realized there is so much more that I could be doing. He challenged everyone in the congregation to do something totally crazy this week. He suggested maybe giving a $20 tip to the drive thru person - wow - that just seems crazy doesn't it? But what would stop me from doing this? Greed? So I am going to find a few charities that are close to my heart and donate some time and money. They currently have a program where you fill a shoebox up with toys and candy for kids that might otherwise not get anything for Christmas. Actually I think I will make it a family activity - it is definitely one that the kids would have fun helping me with.

Pass the Carrot sticks please!

So it's been a month of going to the gym 3-4 times per week. I finally got up enough nerve to get on the scale this morning and I am exactly the same weight. That's more than a little frustrating. The good news is that I can go for longer periods of time on the cardio equipment and I have been steadily increasing my weights on the machines so I have been seeing progress. But it is frustrating not to see results on the scale. When I was talking to a coworker about my frustration he said that the only way to lose weight is to eat less - that exercising will make you feel healthier but does nothing to change your weight. NOT what I wanted to hear. Maybe I should start going to a dietitian again. ARG!! Good thing I watched biggest loser last night or I would be drowning my sorrows in a couple of chocolate bars right now. I can't get over how much I love that show. It is so inspiring to see people my size changing their life right before my eyes. Rudy lost 100lbs in 7 weeks - I can't even wrap my brain around that. So I'm not giving up yet - I can do this- I just need to figure out a way to eat less even thought I'm constantly hungry. FUN!!

I've taken A Big Step....

....just coming in the front door. That's what Mr. FitAsAFiddle said to me as he gave me a tour of the gym this week. And that, my friends, is exactly why I have never been a big fan of the gym. But I joined anyway. I really feel that this is exactly what I need to help me shed some pounds. I know I have a lot of hard work ahead of me but I'm actually looking forward to the aches and pains that accompany a good workout. The funny thing about it is that I have only been going for a week yet I lie in bed at night thinking about what I will say when people say "you look like you are losing weight" . My MIL says that to me almost ever summer when she comes to visit from Ontario and I always have to say "Nope - still the same" I know she means it as a compliment but what I always think is "Ok-she thought I looked bigger than this last year? - crap!" I guess it's kinda like when you tell someone they look nice today and they reply "Boy I must have really looked terrible yesterday!" Same idea I guess. So I think I'm at the weight where it's hard to tell actually how big I am. Like you reach a point of fatness that you just can't get any fatter. I mean you can, but it would take more than 20 pounds to really notice a difference. And the worst part is that I have been here for over 8 years. That's insane! I am so ready for a change. So now I lie in bed and obsess about my reply for next summer ("well yes! I have lost 20 pounds!" or 30 or maybe even 50!) Man my brain is warped :)

So here are my goals:

• I want to wear my jeans all day instead of rushing home at the end of the day to put on sweats or Jammie's because one more minute of having that tight band around my gut might send me over the edge.
• I want to get up in the morning and not think about when I will be able to get back in bed again.
• I want to feel more comfortable in my body. I am not this person that everyone sees. My inside doesn't match my outside.
• I want to stop feeling like life is passing me by.

So bring on the pain all you skinny perky beautiful gym instructors - I've got a long way to go and I need all the motivation you can give me.

Rude Awakening

So I went to get my eyebrows waxed yesterday. I follow the esthetician into the teeny tiny room and she turns around and looks at me and says "So are you here for eyebrows or lip?"

Happy Feeling Gone.

Peter Bear

My uncle Pete passed away last week. I wanted to make sure that I blogged about some of my memories of him and some of the things I learned about him at his funeral so I would always remember them. I was able to see Pete from a different perspective after hearing other people talk about him and I am so glad that they shared their stories with me.

To me, Uncle Pete was always a rough character. He worked in the woods, loved to hunt and fish, belonged to a local motorcycle gang and loved the great outdoors. He was never married - I never even knew of him having a girlfriend. Not surprising really. I can't imagine him "settling down". He was a loner for most of his life. To people that did not know him he must have looked a little menacing. Picture a large unshaven man riding a Harley, wearing a black leather vest (with a skull emblem on the back) and dirty ragged jeans. He wouldn't be someone you would wander up to to ask directions to church :) But he was quite the opposite of the image he projected. His brothers in the biker club said he always preferred talking to fighting. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure he had a few fights in his time but it was always as a last resort.

Pete loved to cook and LOVED to eat. Truthfully all of my family on mom's side of the family like to eat but Pete was our leader. We think he weighed about 425lbs when he died - like I said - our leader :) He lived most of his life at that weight. It didn't seem to stop him from living and enjoying life.

One of the stories I heard at the funeral was that when he hunted or fished he would often give the meat away to families that he knew would otherwise go hungry. But he never wanted them to know who gave it to them. That really struck me. Pete just loved to know he was making a difference in someones life. I love that.

The minister, Leonard, told a story about Pete that made my jaw drop. He used to work in the woods with Pete. The men would each take their team of horses into the woods and hook up 2 logs to the team and then drive them out. But not Pete. Once he had hooked up the 2 logs to the team he would throw a log over his shoulder and drive the team out carrying the log on his back. Leonard joked that Pete had an unfair advantage because he had a 3 horsepower team while the rest of the men only had 2. I always knew Pete was strong - he used to toss us kids around like we were kindling but I had no idea how strong. He also loved to carry us around the yard by holding us by our ankles upside down - one kid in each hand. That seems like such a long time ago.

Pete developed diabetes later in life and started to loose his eyesight in the last few years. He moved into an apartment close to my mom so she could monitor his sugar levels twice a day and help him with this needles. I know she will miss him and miss the stories that he used to share with her during her daily visits.

His funeral was attended by many family and friends. All his biker brothers attended as well. They all escorted the hearse to the cemetery. That in itself was quite a sight to see. I think I counted 55 Harley's in front of us and the hearse. Pete would have loved that.

The boys invited all the family back to their clubhouse for a wake in honor of Peter (they called him Big Pete). It was nice to see where Pete lived for 18 years. That is probably the longest he ever stayed in one place. It was more of a camp than a house so it suited him and his lifestyle. When I walked out on the deck I could see why Pete stayed there so long - the view from the deck was phenomenal. You could see the mountains and valleys for miles and miles and there wasn't a house in sight. Through all the chaos of the boys drinking and toasting him inside the clubhouse, I preferred to think of him while I looked into the mountains that he loved.

Rest in Peace Peter Bear.

Sleeping Beauty

Last night I went into my daughters room and looked at her sleeping face. So beautiful. So perfect. I've taken so many photos of my kids when they are asleep. A few times I have actually woken them up. (Now that had to be a rude awakening - sorry kids!) Last night I just stood there and took it all in. So many thoughts ran through my head : What will the future be like for them? What type of person will they be? Am I being the best parent I can be? Am I making the right choices for them?

I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself in order to be a better parent for them. I realize that I need to figure out how to like myself. I'm not quite sure that I know how to do that yet. I used to think that it was all about my weight - I was sure that I would like myself more if I could take off the extra pounds but now I'm not so sure. To be honest I'm tired of avoiding the mirror. Tired of not having any picture of myself with my kids. Tired of having no clothes because I hate trying on clothes in front of a full-length mirror. So I have to either figure out how to accept myself as I am or..............or What? What is my other option? I don't think I have one. I was going to finish that sentence with "lose all this extra weight" but I have to be honest with myself. I have been trying to do this for a very long time and I don't think it is going to happen. My dietitian told me yesterday that I had to embrace the hunger. OK - sure - no problem : ) Now that will take some work - a lot of work. But I also think I need to figure out how to come at this with a different angle. What if I already liked myself and losing weight wasn't the driving force behind everything that I do. Would food be less of an issue? Would I obsess about something else? Would I learn to like exercise? I think that last one might be taking it a bit too far. But it's an interesting concept. But then I'm left with the question of How do I learn to like myself as I am? For that I don't have any answers.

Inauguration day

As I sit here listening to the ceremonies in Washington, I can’t help but join in with the excitement of the day. I find it amazing that as a Canadian I have become so engrossed in this election and this president. I feel privileged to be a part of history. The president has a monumental task ahead of him and I truly believe that they have found the right guy for the job. When he speaks I am mesmerized. He exudes confidence but in a very calming manner. He is deliberate yet non confrontational. He inspires by example. I don't think I have ever seen a man so ready to lead a nation in crisis. We have yet to see what policies he will put into place but I can’t help but think that he will approach all decisions with humility and grace. While listening to a morning radio show on the CBC, I heard the speaker talk about how Obama can only fail in this presidency because the American people have too much hope for what he will accomplish. He goes on to say that when people look back on Obama’s presidency that they will think of failure and broken hopes. I disagree with this. Even if the Obama presidency can not accomplish everything that he had hoped, no one can deny how he has inspired the nation. He is only one man so his power must come from the people and his words inspire the masses. An inspired nation can accomplish much more than a defeated one. So attitudes like the the man from the morning radio must be left behind in order for hope to prevail. President Obama’s speech is just about to begin and I have a feeling that we will all be inspired yet again. Hope is a powerful entity and one that I pray that we can keep in our sights in this very difficult time.