Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Best Quality?

This is a tough one for me. When Jenn first posted the challenge all that I could come up with was my eyelashes. And that was only because I have been complemented on them a few times. So what’s my problem? Why don’t I like anything about myself? Lately I have been consciously trying to accept myself for who I am but can accepting who you are lead you to liking who you are? I have always been of the mindset that my life would be so much better if I lost 50 lbs. I started dieting when I was 12 – that's 25 years of wishing my body was something that it’s not and might never become! Am I going to spend my entire life wanting to look different? What exactly would loosing 50 lbs mean to me? Here's what I came up with:
* New clothes – clothes have never been a priority for me because of my size. It’s hard to get excited about trying on 20 outfits just to find one that fits. I don’t know if being a smaller size will change that. I don’t get that excited about buying clothes for my kids. I do it because they always seem to need new clothes but I don’t get much satisfaction from the purchases.
*Being more confident around others. When I meet someone new, especially if they are thin or very athletic, I always think – “I wonder what they think of fat people” But why do I care? I’m not my body. Yes - I have a body but it has nothing to do with who I am inside – that can’t be changed no matter how much I eat. And my friends already know what size I am and they like me anyway : ) I have absolutely wonderful friends !
*Being a Mom that my kids would be proud of. I hope my kids are never embarrassed to introduce me to their friends. I can’t really control that though. I will do my best to be a good mom and that’s all I can do. I will always be there for them and accept them for who they are and hopefully they will learn to do the same.
*Increased Energy. I think that getting rid of these extra pounds would give me more energy. I find that I am tired most of the time. I have been exercising and that gives me a little more energy. Can I just exercise for fun and not worry about if it will affect my weight? I love to walk – especially outside enjoying all the things that nature has to offer. And I love aquasize – love being in the water and how refreshed I feel afterwards.
*Better Health. Would I be healthier if I weighed less? Probably. But exercising and focusing on my eating habits will help too. As long as I continue to do this then I’m on the right track to a healthier lifestyle. It may not change my weight and I have to accept that.

So bottom line - I am overweight RIGHT NOW! I can’t wait until I’ve lost weight to be happy with who I am. And I can’t keep telling myself that my life will miraculously become so much better when I’m a smaller size. It’s not true. All of the problems I face right now will still exist. My moments of happiness will NOT be intensified and I will still have moments of intense suffering. Accepting this as the truth will only make my struggle with weight less of a focus so I can focus on what is really important – Embracing the present moment for what it is. All I have is the present moment. Even if I don’t like what it encompasses I have to accept it. Denying it or wishing it was different still doesn’t change it. It is what it is. Nothing more, nothing less. So Jenn I'm going to have to get back to you on this one. Maybe learning to accept myself will lead me to what I like about me. Thanks for the challenge!

Friday, April 18, 2008

Summer Fun

What I'm looking forward to this summer:

-camping at Jellystone

-camping at Birch Point

-spending a whole week on the beach in Shediac

-roasting marshmallows over an open fire

-trip to Ontario- seeing family that I haven't seen in 2 years.

-Watching the kids play soccer with their little Jerseys on.

-Sitting on the deck in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed.

-Picking Strawberries with the kids then making jam without them : )

-Having friends over for a BBQ

Happy Friday Everyone!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

: )

Thanks Dee! Here are some things that make me smile.

~ the sunshine – high of 19 today!!!
~ the smell of spring (but not that dog poop smell – that’s nasty!)
~ watching Miss A on her new bike with a grin a mile long.
~ Sir I’s big hug and the “I love you” that accompanies it as he flies out the door to the bus stop.
~ The rare moments that Sir I and Miss A are civil to each other
~ Jeanette’s cooking
~ watching Hollee’s face completely transform when she laughs at Oswald

For all these things I am truly grateful.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Thanks P : )

P inspired me today! You can read her blog here. I love it when that happens : ) I too am naive and trusting. And like P, I would rather be na├»ve and trusting than closed and cynical- life is too short! I am trying(sometimes not successfully) to concentrate on living in the moment and not overanalyze too much of what happened in the past. It doesn't matter how much I regret something I did or wish that it some event didn’t happen - It won’t change the fact that it did happen. I need to learn to accept, apologize if need be (or accept an apology) and move on. I can’t keep replaying it in my head – that only lets the anger live on. The event could be over days ago and I am still angry about it just because I am thinking about it – that is crazy! The only thing that really matters, the only thing I can be, is who I am right at this second! I can’t change the past or future.

In an ideal world if I offended someone or someone offended me then we would discuss it and deal with it and move past it. With really close friends and family I am able to do this easily. The difficult part comes when you don’t know how to tell a person that you are upset or that they upset you. You then talk about the incident with other friends and family and the disagreement lives on in the telling of the story and the anger gets fed and grows. It takes on a life of its own.

Even if I sincerely apologize to someone then they may not be able to accept it and I have to be ok with it. I recently got in a disagreement with my sister. I called her up 2 days later and apologized because I said things in the heat of the moment that I regretted. She didn’t accept my apology and is still very angry. I can’t change that. If she wants to say malicious things to other people about me then I can’t change that either. Her venting about me to others doesn’t change the fact that I am sorry for what I said and I told her that. There are things that she did that upset me but I’m not going to dwell on that either. It’s over. I don’t want to be burdened with that anger anymore. So my final thoughts : ) You can’t change the past – you can only live in the present. When you know better – you do better!