Last night I went into my daughters room and looked at her sleeping face. So beautiful. So perfect. I've taken so many photos of my kids when they are asleep. A few times I have actually woken them up. (Now that had to be a rude awakening - sorry kids!) Last night I just stood there and took it all in. So many thoughts ran through my head : What will the future be like for them? What type of person will they be? Am I being the best parent I can be? Am I making the right choices for them?
I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself in order to be a better parent for them. I realize that I need to figure out how to like myself. I'm not quite sure that I know how to do that yet. I used to think that it was all about my weight - I was sure that I would like myself more if I could take off the extra pounds but now I'm not so sure. To be honest I'm tired of avoiding the mirror. Tired of not having any picture of myself with my kids. Tired of having no clothes because I hate trying on clothes in front of a full-length mirror. So I have to either figure out how to accept myself as I am or..............or What? What is my other option? I don't think I have one. I was going to finish that sentence with "lose all this extra weight" but I have to be honest with myself. I have been trying to do this for a very long time and I don't think it is going to happen. My dietitian told me yesterday that I had to embrace the hunger. OK - sure - no problem : ) Now that will take some work - a lot of work. But I also think I need to figure out how to come at this with a different angle. What if I already liked myself and losing weight wasn't the driving force behind everything that I do. Would food be less of an issue? Would I obsess about something else? Would I learn to like exercise? I think that last one might be taking it a bit too far. But it's an interesting concept. But then I'm left with the question of How do I learn to like myself as I am? For that I don't have any answers.
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3 comments:
If only life did not allow us to think. I have come to hate thinking, it only brings me down, I over analyze everything and try so hard to be "normal" but I'm not normal, I'm different, different in so many ways but so similar to so many people. How can that be? Because nobody is "normal" even skinny people have issues.....right?
Losing weight will not make me a better person, it can change my perception and raise my mood but the other day to day issues won't change, they'll still be there because we are still the person we started out with.
As for the parenting, I am not the best parent I can be, but for now its all I got to work with. ;o)
Thinking can be a real trap sometimes : ) My brain just goes in this loop and I just wish I could turn it off. Drives me nuts! I have a lot of work to do in the parenting department - scares me sometimes. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me : )
The solution is simple, and has 2 parts...
first - make a list of what the ideal friend/person is to you.
second - look in the mirror and see that "she" is YOU! I know for a fact that all the terrific qualities that you look for in other people, you already have yourself...you just need to accept that it's true :) I see it - you should too!
Loveya friend!
Moi!
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