One of my favorite quotes..

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.

My Friend sends me quotes daily and she has send me some great ones but this is one that really struck me. Have I lived the width of my life so far? No - I don't think so. I think I am getting closer but I still have a LOT of work to do. The problem is that I don't even know where to start. When Oprah introduced her book club selection this month it really intrigued me because she said that it was the best self help book that she had ever read. If you haven't heard about it it's called - A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I find reading it is very challenging because I have never read anything like it before. Every concept is so new to me. I find that I have to read each sentence several times to get the full meaning. It feels like every sentence is forging new pathways in my brain! It is a whole new way of looking at things. The chapter I just finished described the Ego - it is so much more than just what I thought an Ego was. I can relate to a lot of things that he says about the Ego and I know that in order to let go of the hold that it has on me that I will need some direction - hopefully that will come in later chapters. I guess the first step is understanding what it is and why it is. I'll keep you posted. If anyone else is reading this book please let me know - I would love to hear your thoughts.

14 things I Love

1. The flying leap hug I get when I picking up my kids from daycare
2. That I can share anything and everything with my husband.
3. Long conversations with friends- drunk or sober!
4. Singing my heart out to music when no one is listening.
5. Sharing a great meal.
6. Making someone laugh.
7. Relaxing by a fire.
8. Long Baths with no interruptions.
9. Getting so involved in a book that if you are not reading it you are thinking about when you will be able to read it again.
10. Taking great pictures.
11. An afternoon of scrapbooking.
12. Storm days when you have nowhere to go.
13. Holding a sleeping newborn.
14. Late night swims.
    

My Drug of Choice.

What effect does music have on you? The closest I can come to describing how I feel is what I think doing drugs would be like. I don’t really have a reference for that feeling since I have never done drugs. Not really. Once I tried to smoke weed because a friend of mine told me that you could actually see music. He told me the notes would manifest themselves into colors dancing around the room in different sizes and shapes. I thought that sounded pretty cool but I was young and inexperienced and very naive. All I got was a major headache. But the concept still intrigues me. I get such a high when a great song comes on the radio. I crank it up and sing at the top of my lungs and all is good in the world. Or when I have a task that I am dreading I put on some tunes and voila! Bring it on baby! So when I get home I love to have music playing while I’m in the kitchen. It just changes the atmosphere in the house. But I know it is not that way with all people. My husband for instance – he hates it when I have music playing all the time. He hates extra noise – says he finds it distracting. That is very sad to me. Thank goodness for the invention of the mp3 player! And I love all type of music – country, rock, choir, jazz, blues, hymns – you name it and I’ve tried to sing along with it. Being in a choir was a truly amazing experience for me. There is nothing like the feeling of standing in a group of people and hearing their voices all around you. I was so excited for my parents to hear us but again they didn’t share my enthusiasm. They supported me of course, but I could tell it was not their thing. There was a brief time about 2 years ago that I didn’t sing to the radio. It was like I was in a fog all the time. I knew I was depressed but what finally made me pick up the phone and ask for help was hearing one of my favorite songs come on the radio and not feeling anything. Nada - Zip! I knew I didn’t want to be in a world where I didn’t hear the music. I hope I never have to again. But don’t you think it is just amazing that a few words and some instruments can have that effect? Your brain chemicals bounce around, your synapses fire and all it good in the world. All this talk is making me crave my player- I am such an addict : ) So take some time and enjoy the music today!

The Master Plan

I have a coworker who is very open about the fact that she knew she would never have children. It never even crossed her mind. One of my university friends says the same thing. They are the only 2 people that I have ever heard say that they knew that they were never cut out to have children. My coworker compared it to being gay – you just know. I don’t quite agree with the gay analogy but I understood the point that she was making. I find it completely fascinating that both of these people knew from day one that parenthood was not for them. What would that feel like? I can’t remember a time when kids were not in my future plans. That makes me wonder if I became a parent only because it was expected of me. Am I following some master plan – go to university, get married, buy a house, have some kids. So far it seems I am right on track – that is a little disturbing for me. But here is the question - did I ever consider not doing any of those things? Am I doing all of this because that is what people are supposed to do? I don’t know? I hope not. I have to say that I went to University because my mom told me that I was going. It was never really and option for me not to go. But I am so glad that I did. They were some of the best years of my life. Not only did I learn a lot from my classes but I learned a lot about myself. I don’t want to think of the person I would have been without those years. Getting Married – well – who doesn't have days that they are frustrated or angry with the other half but truthfully I can’t imagine being married to anyone else. My house – hated paying rent – knew it was a good investment. And my kids - of course there are some days that I wonder if I was cut out to be a parent. Am I am making the right decisions, am I raising them correctly? But I think every parent asks those questions. I know that I make poor decisions but I try to learn from it and make better decisions next time. When you know better, you do better. On VERY bad days I think “what have I done?” but luckily I just have to look into their face and everything becomes clear. Every morning when my son turns around just before going to the bus and yells “ I love you Mommy” and runs back to give me a hug, my heart melts. Or when little A snuggles up on the couch with me and strokes my hair just like I do to her at bedtime, I know that this was meant to be. So, even if I am following some master plan, it led me to my kids and for that I am grateful.

That's my girl!

DD had her first Preschool swim lesson on Saturday. She is a bit younger than most of the kids in her class but she is definitely ready to be in the pool without us. We did the parent and tot swim twice and now she won't even let you hang on to her in the pool. Although she is a bit young the instructor said we could try her in a preschool class. As I have mentioned before, her language skills are a bit below average so she doesn't quite understand all the instructions but she watches the other kids and follows along with what they are doing. It's pretty cute. The instructor wanted to play a game that involved pretending to be an animal so she asked the kids what their favorite animal were. I heard a lot of "horses! kittens! puppies!" from the other kids and then you hear little A - she looks at the instructor and yells " GREEN!" That's my girl!

Thought bubbles

Princess inspired me today! What if everyone could read our thought bubbles? What a different world we would be. There are so many times that I bite my tongue during a conversation. It's not that I think my point isn't valid, I just think why bother? - everyone is entitled to their opinion - even if it completely wrong! And I really don't enjoy the conflict that might arise. Usually I can never say the right things to get my point across so I end up being totally frustrated that the person just isn't getting it. But I digress. What if our bubbles were out there for all the world to see? In some ways it might be good - Like if someone is going to murder you then the chances of them being able to succeed goes way down(that was a movie but I can't think of the title). Or if you are in a really good mood - how easy would it be to share your mood if everyone could see how happy you are. But the down side is huge. I get totally malicious thougths - nobody needs to see those. You know - the ones that pop into your head with no control and are usually gone just as fast. Or when you jump to conclusions before you have all the facts. If your thoughts are negative would you draw people that also had negative thoughts? Now that party would be a downer! No thanks : ) I had a high school friend that believed thougths were angels. For example if someone is sick and you pray for them you send out all this positive energy(angels) towards that person. How powerful is that? Can your thougths have that much influence on the world around you? If they can then damn! - I need some serious thought editing software installed! For now I am going to try to make an effort to have more positive thougths - just in case.

I'm very lucky that not everyone is like me!

I’ve been totally slack – Yup that’s me – total slacker! That is the inspiration for my blog today. I am a total procrastinator. I always leave things until the last minute – sometimes they don’t even get done at all. Like the wedding video I taped 3 years ago for a friend that I have never finished editing. It’s pathetic. I have an email from a friend that is sitting in my inbox that I have been meaning to respond to for over a month but yet I always find something else that needs to be done first. It was one of the reasons I was hesitant to start a blog, because it would be another thing that would be on my mind that I needed to do. It’s not like I don’t want to blog – I really enjoy it. It’s not like I don’t want to talk to my friends over email, I love hearing from friends! It’s not like I don't want my friend to have a wedding video – I just know it is going to take me at least another 2 hours of editing plus the time to figure out how to get it to DVD format (which I have asked about 5 different people about with no easy answer) . I just keep saying to myself “I’ll definitely do that tomorrow”. Which leads me to a question for y’all.out there – Would you be friends with yourself? If I were to ask myself that question then I would say no. I really really really want to say yes but if I’m honest with myself it is a definite no. I probably wouldn’t even bother to get to get to know me because I don’t really say too much unless I am spoken too. And if by some miracle I did get to know me then I wouldn’t really like me because I hate procrastinators! Logically there is no reason to procrastinate – it will take you the same amount of time to do it whether you do it today or 3 days from now. So why wait? Would a deadline help? – Definitely. But I have tried giving myself one and that doesn’t work. So I need an imposed deadline. Great! In order to be friends with myself I must attach a deadline to any favor I would ask. Not really what you are looking for in a friend.