Pass the Carrot sticks please!

So it's been a month of going to the gym 3-4 times per week. I finally got up enough nerve to get on the scale this morning and I am exactly the same weight. That's more than a little frustrating. The good news is that I can go for longer periods of time on the cardio equipment and I have been steadily increasing my weights on the machines so I have been seeing progress. But it is frustrating not to see results on the scale. When I was talking to a coworker about my frustration he said that the only way to lose weight is to eat less - that exercising will make you feel healthier but does nothing to change your weight. NOT what I wanted to hear. Maybe I should start going to a dietitian again. ARG!! Good thing I watched biggest loser last night or I would be drowning my sorrows in a couple of chocolate bars right now. I can't get over how much I love that show. It is so inspiring to see people my size changing their life right before my eyes. Rudy lost 100lbs in 7 weeks - I can't even wrap my brain around that. So I'm not giving up yet - I can do this- I just need to figure out a way to eat less even thought I'm constantly hungry. FUN!!

I've taken A Big Step....

....just coming in the front door. That's what Mr. FitAsAFiddle said to me as he gave me a tour of the gym this week. And that, my friends, is exactly why I have never been a big fan of the gym. But I joined anyway. I really feel that this is exactly what I need to help me shed some pounds. I know I have a lot of hard work ahead of me but I'm actually looking forward to the aches and pains that accompany a good workout. The funny thing about it is that I have only been going for a week yet I lie in bed at night thinking about what I will say when people say "you look like you are losing weight" . My MIL says that to me almost ever summer when she comes to visit from Ontario and I always have to say "Nope - still the same" I know she means it as a compliment but what I always think is "Ok-she thought I looked bigger than this last year? - crap!" I guess it's kinda like when you tell someone they look nice today and they reply "Boy I must have really looked terrible yesterday!" Same idea I guess. So I think I'm at the weight where it's hard to tell actually how big I am. Like you reach a point of fatness that you just can't get any fatter. I mean you can, but it would take more than 20 pounds to really notice a difference. And the worst part is that I have been here for over 8 years. That's insane! I am so ready for a change. So now I lie in bed and obsess about my reply for next summer ("well yes! I have lost 20 pounds!" or 30 or maybe even 50!) Man my brain is warped :)

So here are my goals:

• I want to wear my jeans all day instead of rushing home at the end of the day to put on sweats or Jammie's because one more minute of having that tight band around my gut might send me over the edge.
• I want to get up in the morning and not think about when I will be able to get back in bed again.
• I want to feel more comfortable in my body. I am not this person that everyone sees. My inside doesn't match my outside.
• I want to stop feeling like life is passing me by.

So bring on the pain all you skinny perky beautiful gym instructors - I've got a long way to go and I need all the motivation you can give me.

Rude Awakening

So I went to get my eyebrows waxed yesterday. I follow the esthetician into the teeny tiny room and she turns around and looks at me and says "So are you here for eyebrows or lip?"

Happy Feeling Gone.

Sleeping Beauty

Last night I went into my daughters room and looked at her sleeping face. So beautiful. So perfect. I've taken so many photos of my kids when they are asleep. A few times I have actually woken them up. (Now that had to be a rude awakening - sorry kids!) Last night I just stood there and took it all in. So many thoughts ran through my head : What will the future be like for them? What type of person will they be? Am I being the best parent I can be? Am I making the right choices for them?

I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself in order to be a better parent for them. I realize that I need to figure out how to like myself. I'm not quite sure that I know how to do that yet. I used to think that it was all about my weight - I was sure that I would like myself more if I could take off the extra pounds but now I'm not so sure. To be honest I'm tired of avoiding the mirror. Tired of not having any picture of myself with my kids. Tired of having no clothes because I hate trying on clothes in front of a full-length mirror. So I have to either figure out how to accept myself as I am or..............or What? What is my other option? I don't think I have one. I was going to finish that sentence with "lose all this extra weight" but I have to be honest with myself. I have been trying to do this for a very long time and I don't think it is going to happen. My dietitian told me yesterday that I had to embrace the hunger. OK - sure - no problem : ) Now that will take some work - a lot of work. But I also think I need to figure out how to come at this with a different angle. What if I already liked myself and losing weight wasn't the driving force behind everything that I do. Would food be less of an issue? Would I obsess about something else? Would I learn to like exercise? I think that last one might be taking it a bit too far. But it's an interesting concept. But then I'm left with the question of How do I learn to like myself as I am? For that I don't have any answers.

I'm it!

Mel tagged me so here it goes!

THE FIVE TAG
10 years ago I:
1. Wasn't married : )
2. Had no kids : )
3. thought I had so much to do
4. really didn't do too much
5. slept through the night

5 things on today's "to do" list:
1. Scrapbook
2. Go out for supper
3. help the kids spend their birthday gift card from toy-r-us
4. take a Tylenol for this headache
5. give up coke (as in cola : )

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. Chocolate cake
2. Chocolate cookies
3. Chocolate bar
4. Chocolate macaroons
5. Chocolate chocolate : )

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire:
1. quit my job
2. buy an island
3. hire a chef
4. give away my house to someone who needs it
5. take all my girlfriends on a fantastic vacation!!!

5 places I have lived:
1. Hillsborough
2. UNB dorm
3. Graham Ave apartment
4. Windsor St apartment
5. Southwood Park in a house :)

Five jobs I have had:
1. Waitress
2. ice cream server
3. toll booth operator
4. museum tour guide
5. lab technologist

I tag...Whoever wants to and
1. Hollee
2. Jenn
3. Amy
4. Shelley
5. Krista

Mindfulness Poem by Joh Kabat Zinn

I wanted to share this poem that I heard today. I actually got chills when they read it. Love that!


Have you ever had the experience of stopping so completely,
of being in your body so completely,
of being in your life so completely,
that what you knew and what you didn't know,
that what had been and what was yet to come,
and the way things are right now,
no longer held even the slightest hint of anxiety or discord,
a moment of complete presence beyond striving,
beyond mere acceptance,
beyond the desire to escape or fix anything or plunge ahead,
a moment of pure being,
no longer in time,
a moment of pure seeing, pure feeling,
a moment in which life simply is,
and that is-ness grabs you by all your senses, all your memories, by your very genes, by your loves, and welcomes you home,
that is a taste of mindfulness.

Mindfulness sounds so simple so why is it so rare? For me I think it is because I let myself get too caught up in everyday issues – kids fighting, issues with the hubby, stress at work, etc.

Genuine happiness should not be dependent on how my day is going.

Everyday stresses can send me in a tailspin quicker than I like to admit. I need to become more aware that I am losing grasp of what is really important. That is going to take some work : )

What I am thankful for ( in 100 words or less )

Family - seeing them, holding them, hugging them every day.
Friendship – feeling that deep connection that never falters.
Laughter – the effect of a bold hearty guffaw that can instantly change a negative into a positive.
Awareness – not taking anything for granted. Experiencing each moment as you would a precious jewel.
Music – hearing a song that makes me want to sing – outloud – in front of complete strangers : )
Feeling Safe – realizing how lucky I am to live in a place without earthquakes, typhoons, tsunamis, or any disaster that could endanger the lives of my family and friends.

Feel free to give it a try! It is liberating!

Best Quality?

This is a tough one for me. When Jenn first posted the challenge all that I could come up with was my eyelashes. And that was only because I have been complemented on them a few times. So what’s my problem? Why don’t I like anything about myself? Lately I have been consciously trying to accept myself for who I am but can accepting who you are lead you to liking who you are? I have always been of the mindset that my life would be so much better if I lost 50 lbs. I started dieting when I was 12 – that's 25 years of wishing my body was something that it’s not and might never become! Am I going to spend my entire life wanting to look different? What exactly would loosing 50 lbs mean to me? Here's what I came up with:
* New clothes – clothes have never been a priority for me because of my size. It’s hard to get excited about trying on 20 outfits just to find one that fits. I don’t know if being a smaller size will change that. I don’t get that excited about buying clothes for my kids. I do it because they always seem to need new clothes but I don’t get much satisfaction from the purchases.
*Being more confident around others. When I meet someone new, especially if they are thin or very athletic, I always think – “I wonder what they think of fat people” But why do I care? I’m not my body. Yes - I have a body but it has nothing to do with who I am inside – that can’t be changed no matter how much I eat. And my friends already know what size I am and they like me anyway : ) I have absolutely wonderful friends !
*Being a Mom that my kids would be proud of. I hope my kids are never embarrassed to introduce me to their friends. I can’t really control that though. I will do my best to be a good mom and that’s all I can do. I will always be there for them and accept them for who they are and hopefully they will learn to do the same.
*Increased Energy. I think that getting rid of these extra pounds would give me more energy. I find that I am tired most of the time. I have been exercising and that gives me a little more energy. Can I just exercise for fun and not worry about if it will affect my weight? I love to walk – especially outside enjoying all the things that nature has to offer. And I love aquasize – love being in the water and how refreshed I feel afterwards.
*Better Health. Would I be healthier if I weighed less? Probably. But exercising and focusing on my eating habits will help too. As long as I continue to do this then I’m on the right track to a healthier lifestyle. It may not change my weight and I have to accept that.

So bottom line - I am overweight RIGHT NOW! I can’t wait until I’ve lost weight to be happy with who I am. And I can’t keep telling myself that my life will miraculously become so much better when I’m a smaller size. It’s not true. All of the problems I face right now will still exist. My moments of happiness will NOT be intensified and I will still have moments of intense suffering. Accepting this as the truth will only make my struggle with weight less of a focus so I can focus on what is really important – Embracing the present moment for what it is. All I have is the present moment. Even if I don’t like what it encompasses I have to accept it. Denying it or wishing it was different still doesn’t change it. It is what it is. Nothing more, nothing less. So Jenn I'm going to have to get back to you on this one. Maybe learning to accept myself will lead me to what I like about me. Thanks for the challenge!

Summer Fun

What I'm looking forward to this summer:

-camping at Jellystone

-camping at Birch Point

-spending a whole week on the beach in Shediac

-roasting marshmallows over an open fire

-trip to Ontario- seeing family that I haven't seen in 2 years.

-Watching the kids play soccer with their little Jerseys on.

-Sitting on the deck in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed.

-Picking Strawberries with the kids then making jam without them : )

-Having friends over for a BBQ

Happy Friday Everyone!

: )

Thanks Dee! Here are some things that make me smile.

~ the sunshine – high of 19 today!!!
~ the smell of spring (but not that dog poop smell – that’s nasty!)
~ watching Miss A on her new bike with a grin a mile long.
~ Sir I’s big hug and the “I love you” that accompanies it as he flies out the door to the bus stop.
~ The rare moments that Sir I and Miss A are civil to each other
~ Jeanette’s cooking
~ watching Hollee’s face completely transform when she laughs at Oswald

For all these things I am truly grateful.

Thanks P : )

P inspired me today! You can read her blog here. I love it when that happens : ) I too am naive and trusting. And like P, I would rather be naïve and trusting than closed and cynical- life is too short! I am trying(sometimes not successfully) to concentrate on living in the moment and not overanalyze too much of what happened in the past. It doesn't matter how much I regret something I did or wish that it some event didn’t happen - It won’t change the fact that it did happen. I need to learn to accept, apologize if need be (or accept an apology) and move on. I can’t keep replaying it in my head – that only lets the anger live on. The event could be over days ago and I am still angry about it just because I am thinking about it – that is crazy! The only thing that really matters, the only thing I can be, is who I am right at this second! I can’t change the past or future.

In an ideal world if I offended someone or someone offended me then we would discuss it and deal with it and move past it. With really close friends and family I am able to do this easily. The difficult part comes when you don’t know how to tell a person that you are upset or that they upset you. You then talk about the incident with other friends and family and the disagreement lives on in the telling of the story and the anger gets fed and grows. It takes on a life of its own.

Even if I sincerely apologize to someone then they may not be able to accept it and I have to be ok with it. I recently got in a disagreement with my sister. I called her up 2 days later and apologized because I said things in the heat of the moment that I regretted. She didn’t accept my apology and is still very angry. I can’t change that. If she wants to say malicious things to other people about me then I can’t change that either. Her venting about me to others doesn’t change the fact that I am sorry for what I said and I told her that. There are things that she did that upset me but I’m not going to dwell on that either. It’s over. I don’t want to be burdened with that anger anymore. So my final thoughts : ) You can’t change the past – you can only live in the present. When you know better – you do better!

One of my favorite quotes..

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.

My Friend sends me quotes daily and she has send me some great ones but this is one that really struck me. Have I lived the width of my life so far? No - I don't think so. I think I am getting closer but I still have a LOT of work to do. The problem is that I don't even know where to start. When Oprah introduced her book club selection this month it really intrigued me because she said that it was the best self help book that she had ever read. If you haven't heard about it it's called - A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I find reading it is very challenging because I have never read anything like it before. Every concept is so new to me. I find that I have to read each sentence several times to get the full meaning. It feels like every sentence is forging new pathways in my brain! It is a whole new way of looking at things. The chapter I just finished described the Ego - it is so much more than just what I thought an Ego was. I can relate to a lot of things that he says about the Ego and I know that in order to let go of the hold that it has on me that I will need some direction - hopefully that will come in later chapters. I guess the first step is understanding what it is and why it is. I'll keep you posted. If anyone else is reading this book please let me know - I would love to hear your thoughts.

14 things I Love

1. The flying leap hug I get when I picking up my kids from daycare
2. That I can share anything and everything with my husband.
3. Long conversations with friends- drunk or sober!
4. Singing my heart out to music when no one is listening.
5. Sharing a great meal.
6. Making someone laugh.
7. Relaxing by a fire.
8. Long Baths with no interruptions.
9. Getting so involved in a book that if you are not reading it you are thinking about when you will be able to read it again.
10. Taking great pictures.
11. An afternoon of scrapbooking.
12. Storm days when you have nowhere to go.
13. Holding a sleeping newborn.
14. Late night swims.
    

My Drug of Choice.

What effect does music have on you? The closest I can come to describing how I feel is what I think doing drugs would be like. I don’t really have a reference for that feeling since I have never done drugs. Not really. Once I tried to smoke weed because a friend of mine told me that you could actually see music. He told me the notes would manifest themselves into colors dancing around the room in different sizes and shapes. I thought that sounded pretty cool but I was young and inexperienced and very naive. All I got was a major headache. But the concept still intrigues me. I get such a high when a great song comes on the radio. I crank it up and sing at the top of my lungs and all is good in the world. Or when I have a task that I am dreading I put on some tunes and voila! Bring it on baby! So when I get home I love to have music playing while I’m in the kitchen. It just changes the atmosphere in the house. But I know it is not that way with all people. My husband for instance – he hates it when I have music playing all the time. He hates extra noise – says he finds it distracting. That is very sad to me. Thank goodness for the invention of the mp3 player! And I love all type of music – country, rock, choir, jazz, blues, hymns – you name it and I’ve tried to sing along with it. Being in a choir was a truly amazing experience for me. There is nothing like the feeling of standing in a group of people and hearing their voices all around you. I was so excited for my parents to hear us but again they didn’t share my enthusiasm. They supported me of course, but I could tell it was not their thing. There was a brief time about 2 years ago that I didn’t sing to the radio. It was like I was in a fog all the time. I knew I was depressed but what finally made me pick up the phone and ask for help was hearing one of my favorite songs come on the radio and not feeling anything. Nada - Zip! I knew I didn’t want to be in a world where I didn’t hear the music. I hope I never have to again. But don’t you think it is just amazing that a few words and some instruments can have that effect? Your brain chemicals bounce around, your synapses fire and all it good in the world. All this talk is making me crave my player- I am such an addict : ) So take some time and enjoy the music today!

The Master Plan

I have a coworker who is very open about the fact that she knew she would never have children. It never even crossed her mind. One of my university friends says the same thing. They are the only 2 people that I have ever heard say that they knew that they were never cut out to have children. My coworker compared it to being gay – you just know. I don’t quite agree with the gay analogy but I understood the point that she was making. I find it completely fascinating that both of these people knew from day one that parenthood was not for them. What would that feel like? I can’t remember a time when kids were not in my future plans. That makes me wonder if I became a parent only because it was expected of me. Am I following some master plan – go to university, get married, buy a house, have some kids. So far it seems I am right on track – that is a little disturbing for me. But here is the question - did I ever consider not doing any of those things? Am I doing all of this because that is what people are supposed to do? I don’t know? I hope not. I have to say that I went to University because my mom told me that I was going. It was never really and option for me not to go. But I am so glad that I did. They were some of the best years of my life. Not only did I learn a lot from my classes but I learned a lot about myself. I don’t want to think of the person I would have been without those years. Getting Married – well – who doesn't have days that they are frustrated or angry with the other half but truthfully I can’t imagine being married to anyone else. My house – hated paying rent – knew it was a good investment. And my kids - of course there are some days that I wonder if I was cut out to be a parent. Am I am making the right decisions, am I raising them correctly? But I think every parent asks those questions. I know that I make poor decisions but I try to learn from it and make better decisions next time. When you know better, you do better. On VERY bad days I think “what have I done?” but luckily I just have to look into their face and everything becomes clear. Every morning when my son turns around just before going to the bus and yells “ I love you Mommy” and runs back to give me a hug, my heart melts. Or when little A snuggles up on the couch with me and strokes my hair just like I do to her at bedtime, I know that this was meant to be. So, even if I am following some master plan, it led me to my kids and for that I am grateful.

Thought bubbles

Princess inspired me today! What if everyone could read our thought bubbles? What a different world we would be. There are so many times that I bite my tongue during a conversation. It's not that I think my point isn't valid, I just think why bother? - everyone is entitled to their opinion - even if it completely wrong! And I really don't enjoy the conflict that might arise. Usually I can never say the right things to get my point across so I end up being totally frustrated that the person just isn't getting it. But I digress. What if our bubbles were out there for all the world to see? In some ways it might be good - Like if someone is going to murder you then the chances of them being able to succeed goes way down(that was a movie but I can't think of the title). Or if you are in a really good mood - how easy would it be to share your mood if everyone could see how happy you are. But the down side is huge. I get totally malicious thougths - nobody needs to see those. You know - the ones that pop into your head with no control and are usually gone just as fast. Or when you jump to conclusions before you have all the facts. If your thoughts are negative would you draw people that also had negative thoughts? Now that party would be a downer! No thanks : ) I had a high school friend that believed thougths were angels. For example if someone is sick and you pray for them you send out all this positive energy(angels) towards that person. How powerful is that? Can your thougths have that much influence on the world around you? If they can then damn! - I need some serious thought editing software installed! For now I am going to try to make an effort to have more positive thougths - just in case.

I'm very lucky that not everyone is like me!

I’ve been totally slack – Yup that’s me – total slacker! That is the inspiration for my blog today. I am a total procrastinator. I always leave things until the last minute – sometimes they don’t even get done at all. Like the wedding video I taped 3 years ago for a friend that I have never finished editing. It’s pathetic. I have an email from a friend that is sitting in my inbox that I have been meaning to respond to for over a month but yet I always find something else that needs to be done first. It was one of the reasons I was hesitant to start a blog, because it would be another thing that would be on my mind that I needed to do. It’s not like I don’t want to blog – I really enjoy it. It’s not like I don’t want to talk to my friends over email, I love hearing from friends! It’s not like I don't want my friend to have a wedding video – I just know it is going to take me at least another 2 hours of editing plus the time to figure out how to get it to DVD format (which I have asked about 5 different people about with no easy answer) . I just keep saying to myself “I’ll definitely do that tomorrow”. Which leads me to a question for y’all.out there – Would you be friends with yourself? If I were to ask myself that question then I would say no. I really really really want to say yes but if I’m honest with myself it is a definite no. I probably wouldn’t even bother to get to get to know me because I don’t really say too much unless I am spoken too. And if by some miracle I did get to know me then I wouldn’t really like me because I hate procrastinators! Logically there is no reason to procrastinate – it will take you the same amount of time to do it whether you do it today or 3 days from now. So why wait? Would a deadline help? – Definitely. But I have tried giving myself one and that doesn’t work. So I need an imposed deadline. Great! In order to be friends with myself I must attach a deadline to any favor I would ask. Not really what you are looking for in a friend.

3rd Installment of the 100 list.

Thank you all so much for all your advise on the last post – we went to see a speech therapist and she thinks that miss A will benefit from seeing someone on a regular basis. We are on the list but I am starting with a private therapist as well. I’m glad that we are being proactive and staring this before her 3 and ½ year testing. So here is the 3rd installment of the 100 list. I hope you enjoy!

1. I like to drive fast (when I am by myself!)
2. I love driving a standard - makes me feel like a race car driver : )
3. My dad taught me to drive a standard – a very unpleasant experience!
4. When I was in high school we used to take a friend’s old sunfire (nickname – the sunchicken) on old back roads and see if we could get stuck. Usually we succeeded in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes it took us hours to get unstuck – good times : )
5. My first boyfriend’s name was FJ Ferran – I can still remember our first kiss – walking back from skating on the pond near my grandparents.
6. He ran away from home just after we started officially dating – he had a really terrible family life. He didn’t tell me he was going to run away. The police came to school with his sister and asked me if I knew where he was. When I didn’t, they and asked me to give them for the only picture that I had of him.
7. I didn’t date again until I reached University.
8. My second boyfriend didn’t tell me that he was dating someone else until I received a very nasty letter from her. He lived with her brother. He had been trying to break up with her for a while but she just wasn’t getting it. She got it when I entered the picture. He also had a really bad family life (I’m seeing a pattern here). We broke up when he decided to go to Kingston to the military college.
9. We kept in touch for a long time but I lost track of him about 5 years ago. I keep hoping that he will show up on Facebook.
10. I love chocolate
11. I used to be a Coca-Cola addict – drank at least 2 cans a day. When I got pregnant I cut back to one can a week. I still try to limit the amount I have but I still love it.
12. I ‘m not really a fan of chips or salty things but I’ll eat them if I have coke to go with
13. I’m not a big fan of cheesy foods – cheeseburgers, pizza with cheese, casseroles covered in cheese.
14. I hate mashed potatoes – I was forced to eat them as a kid and can’t stand to eat them now. I am able to eat them if I have lots of gravy or Epicure spices in them.
15. I like to cook but get really frustrated when I spend an hour making supper and the kids won’t eat it and the husband eats so fast that he doesn’t even taste it. Seriously – he can have his plate clean in about 3 minutes.
16. I wish I had a bigger kitchen
17 I hate cleaning up after a big meal.
18 I love potluck dinners – so many choices!!
19 I love having friends over for dinner
20 I hate it when people say they like your food then later tell everyone else that it was terrible (true story – he is so off my guest list!) If you don’t like it then don’t eat it : )
21. The night before having friends over is a mad dash to clean up. I wish I could keep more on top of the mess so inviting friends over would be easier
22 I would like to hire a cleaning person but my husband thinks it is a waste of money.
23. I am trying to take control of the clutter in my house but it is a long exhausting process
24. I hope I can get control of my clutter before the kids learn too many bad habits.
25. When I was growing up our house was always a mess – I never invited friends over. I don’t want my kids having the same problem.

Bummed

I went to my nutritionist yesterday and the first thing we do is look over what I have eaten over the past 2 weeks. She's reading in total silence and I'm thinking CRAP - why didn't I just lie. I had way to much birthday cake, onion rings (900 calories) , cheesecake and chocolate cake(probably 1000 calories), and I ate out twice for my birthday so it was bad! She looks up at me and says "Do you WANT to loose weight" She's totally right - I have been making bad choices and there is no excuse for it. To make things worse, since Monday I have had back pain with shooting pains down my left leg and now my foot is asleep about 70% of the time. I think it is because I didn't move around enough during the crop this weekend. I have been trying to exercise but after about 15 minutes I get the shooting pains and have to quit. There is no way that I can lose weight without exercising! So I am just really bummed and I can't seem to snap out of it. And I'm still so frigging tired from the weekend and it's Friday! The kids have been up quite a bit at night and they call for me, not hubby, since they weren't really keen on me leaving them for the weekend. I would love to have a full nights sleep this weekend but my family wants me to go home on Saturday because she didn't get to see me on my Birthday. I really want to see them but the thought of 4 hours in a car with this pain in my back gets me even more bummed. It probably feels worse because I had such a great time this weekend and was on such a "high" that it's a long way down when you are feeling depressed. So that's it - I'm done complaining. I really hate complaining and I try not to do it often but it feels good to get it out especially when I know I'm among friends. I am making a promise to myself right now to eat better next week and exercise as much as I can and hopefully this funk will disappear. Wish me luck.

My Wedding Day!

I wanted a church wedding – But I wanted it small. Nothing extravagant – just immediate family. I wanted to keep the cost to a minimum. I didn’t want to go in debt before we even began our life together and I didn’t want to spend $10,000 on one day. But my mom wanted to invite everyone she knew - she has 6 brothers and sisters all with kids and grandkids and she wanted them all there. And DH’s mom has 4 siblings with kids and grand kids and she thought they all should be invited too. This is pretty normal – parents always want to invite everyone right? I gave in because I figured my family is pretty low key so they wouldn’t expect any huge celebration - just a few sandwiches and sweets and dance and everyone would be happy. I also figured since all of DH’s relative lived in Ontario there wouldn’t be a huge turn out from his side. Wrongo! Every invitation that was sent to Upper Canada, except one, came back with a “yes” reply! The one “no” response that came back was because she was due to have a baby the day before the wedding. I don’t know why she didn’t just have the baby in the car on the way here – it could have been a double celebration. So Holy Crap – 150 people were coming to my little wedding! My sandwich and sweets idea went right down the crapper! Since everyone was coming all this way we decided that we should have a big turkey dinner. I had never planned anything this big before so I really had no way to know what needed to be done. And my mom – God love her - was no help. I was SO not prepared for what happened that day! My reception was at the Legion in Hillsborough. We show up after the rehearsal dinner to decorate and they wouldn’t let us in. They didn’t want us in there until after the legion has closed. I’m sure the 2 old timers playing cards wouldn’t have minded but whatever! We twiddled our thumbs until they finally let us in at about 10pm. So we stayed up until 2 blowing up balloons and putting up streamers. By the end of it we were all exhausted and I was just throwing things on the walls to get rid of it all. But it looked ok – I was happy with the results. The next morning we get up bright and early to go to the hair dressers and are there for about 3 hours because all of DH’s aunts also had to get their hair done. But we were ok – we still had lots of time – I thought! We get out of the hair dressers and are told that no one picked up the flowers. My maid of honor and I head over to the co-op in full make up and hairdo’s to pick them up. We got some strange looks let me tell you! We then had to figure out a way to get them to the groom and groomsmen without seeing DH. We managed to get it done! – one crisis adverted. We rushed back to the B& B to get dressed and things go pretty smoothly until just after the ceremony. (I had one little panic attack just before going down the isle but I guess that’s pretty normal from what I hear) It was really hot inside the church so once the ceremony was over we stood outside for a while just enjoying the slight breeze and chatting with the guests. We head off for pictures and all seems good. After we are finished my photographer is packing up his stuff and I see DH’s aunt storming in my direction with a really nasty look on her face. She informs me that it is tradition that DH’s whole family have a group picture taken at all weddings. She is bitching to me that they all didn’t get their hair done for no reason. I had no idea that there needed to be a family picture. Holy Crap – the photographer is all packed up. I rush over and ask if he would mind taking one more picture. Thank God he said yes! Well by the time we found a place for the picture and got everyone organized, this one picture took about 20 minutes. And by this time it was stinking hot – the hottest day of the year so far! I am sweating bullets and my feet are swelling beyond recognition. My hair has fallen out of the updo that I had going on and I want to just sit down and relax. We head over to the legion and we had a great surprise. When we opened the door it was like walking into a wall of heat! It was an oven in there! The elderly ladies that did all the cooking and setup look pale and sickly. One of the ladies walks directly over to me as I step in the door and says “why didn’t you have salads and cold cuts dear?” I know they were just hot and tired but holy crap – I had no idea what a scorther it was going to be that day. It is usually quite nice in Hillsborough because we are right on a river and there is a cold breeze. Not today! Everyone had been asking for water while our pictures were being taken and the ladies got very frustrated trying to cook the dinner. So everything is running late. We decide to have the reception line before we sit down while the ladies were still setting up. We all stand there like idiots because nobody comes up! I felt like I was at a grade 9 dance. It turns out that since most people talked to us while we were standing outside the church nobody felt the need to go through the lineup. Very Embarrassing! After the longest 5 minutes of my life I call it off and we head to our seats. The ladies start to serve the food. Well I notice that there are quite a few empty seats – it’s just too darn hot in there and everyone is outside! And then one of the ladies that is serving passes out cold from the heat. Could it get any worse? They get her revived and she seems fine but everyone is visibly shaken. They are eventually able to get out the rest of the meal but guess what – nobody is eating! Who wants to eat turkey when you are sitting in a room that is about 100 degrees! And all the wine that we had out is gone. This makes for a great combination by the way – lots of wine and no food : ) After dinner we wanted to do speeches but again everyone is outside. Brad and I stand up to say “thank you for coming” to the five people that are inside standing at the bar and the kitchen staff (minus the lady that passed out) and that is all that is said. All the speeches that we had planned never got said. What are you going to do? I understand why everyone was outside – but it makes for lousy wedding. We eventually just went outside and chatted with everyone out there. The DJ shows up to set up and the nice little old ladies in the kitchen doing dishes won’t let him bring in any his stuff. They want everything cleaned up before he is even allowed in the door. And they are running at least an hour behind. So by the time he gets in and sets up it is about 10:30 pm and a lot of people have already gone home. Thankfully, when the DJ set up, he put a fan on the dance floor and we are able to get some kids up dancing. I’m excited because people finally seem to be enjoying themselves. My MIL had planned a very elaborate spread for 10:30 which would have been a godsend because nobody has eaten. She goes to the plug in cooler that she brought (because she wasn’t allowed to use the fridge in the kitchen) and the dial on the cord has been turned to heat instead of cold. Everything she made was rotten – shrimp salad, crab dip, pate of some sort, meats, cheese - all bad. She is in tears. She spent hours and hours making all of this stuff and nothing is salvageable. She has a few bags of chips and some buttered rolls and that’s it. I felt so bad. But what could I do? Not a damn thing! So it finally starts to cool down inside and people start dancing a bit and I finally think that thing are going to ok when the bartender storms out from behind the bar tells the DJ to stop the music. She announces that if she sees one more liquor bottle in the legion that does not come from her bar she is shutting the whole place down. Well you could have heard a pin drop! Everybody sat down and just sat quietly. I am totally mortified! I’m thinking - I just can’t wait for this evening to end. I try to mingle around and improve the mood but it’s just no use – nobody is having any fun. At midnight I just can’t take it anymore. I borrow my friend’s sandals because I can no longer walk in my shoes because my feet have swelled so badly and I start walking to our B&B. DH’s mom comes running out to ask what should be done with all the gifts and I tell her that I’m sure that my mom and dad can handle it from here. She called me ungrateful but I just kept walking. DH caught up to me about halfway there and we walked in silence until we reached the B&B. I just wanted to go to sleep and forget the whole day even happened. During the night some idiot decided that my car needed to be trashed. They jimmied the window and filled the entire car with rice crispies. The put shaving cream on the tires and door handles. They toilet papered the outside and put confetti in all the air vents. They put an entire tube of toothpaste just under the windshield wipers where we couldn’t see it. We noticed it when we reached Cape Breton and it started to pour. Did you know that toothpaste REALLY foams up when spread in a thin layer across your windshield in the rain? To top it all off the best man passed out in my maid of honors bedroom after he walked her home and his wife wouldn’t speak to him for a month. I thought that I was going to be the reason for their divorce! Oh yeah – and since none of DH's family had ever been to the Maritimes we all went camping together in Cape Breton and PEI for our honeymoon. Never, never do that! We always said that there would be lots of opportunity for a honeymoon later on but it just never happened. So that’s my wedding story. It was long and painful to write but hopefully I will be able to read it over in a few years and laugh at it all. Have a wonderful weekend everyone!